Just Smile
by xxRainSongxx
Summary: He covers up the pain with a smile, though it's sometimes hard. How is he supposed to keep it up when he has lost so much? The Doctor's musings inside the Tardis. 10th Doctor angst, pre-Doomsday. One-shot. Rated T for safety. First fic.


The blue lights of the TARDIS console play across his face. It has been so long since… No. He refuses to think about it. Instead, he sits down on the battered, old couch and puts his head in his hands. He thinks he might have seen blood on them, but when he looks again, they are just hands. Calloused, dry, and faintly scarred. The hands of a soldier. He sighs. Stained with blood that isn't there.

He closes his eyes and sits back, placing a hand over his chest. _Du-dum. Du-dum. Du-dum. _He is mildly surprised to find both hearts still beating, even after everything. Sometimes he wonders why he has two at all. Another heart to love with. Another heart to be broken. Everyone he loved he has lost. He can't even count on his fingers how many are gone. He is burdened by the knowledge that it is ultimately his fault. _His fault they leave._ He will always drive them away or they will leave him or get lost or… He tries to stop that thought before it gets out, but it's too late. _Die. They die. _He is immortal and they are not. He will always leave them behind, no matter how much he wants to stay.

Sometimes, he thinks about suicide. He thinks about ending his pain and misery. A simple knife or pill or explosion - or even the sonic, he supposes - could end this all. How much easier would it be if he could just take his life? If he could go and join all that he lost? But that would be impossible. He would just regenerate, again and again. _Unless you run out of chances_, says a voice in his head. But he ignores it, because he realizes he still has something left to live for. Gallifrey to avenge. An entire planet to save. And, as much as he hates to admit it… People to love.

Perhaps that is his flaw. He loves too easily. No matter how many walls he builds up, no matter how much he pushes people away... He knows he is eternal. He knows he will live much longer than anyone he will ever love again. He is the last of his kind, and he will never get his people back. Not without tearing the universe apart. He is too kind, too selfless for that, and sometimes he hates himself for it. He hates that he loves everyone and everything else more than he loves his own people. But he _won't_ get them back, so he contents himself with trying to make it up to them somehow. He doesn't give up; not yet. Not on himself, not on others, not on Gallifrey. He loves the humans as if they were his own people, no matter how much it hurts, because _that is the least he could do_. He stays strong through the pain of abandonment and keeps himself together. No. His _companions_ keep him together.

He knows that he will lose all of them at some point. He knows they will eventually leave him or he will leave them. But, in their own special way, they look out for him. They care for him and comfort him like no one truly has for almost a millennium. They find the cracks and seal them up. Most importantly, they control him when he can't control himself.

So when Rose walks back through the door and asks him where they're going next, he grins and replies, "_Everywhere_," because even though he knows his hearts will be broken yet again and he will inevitably lose her, he puts on a smile. He is still slowly breaking on the inside, but he will stay strong as long as he can.

For himself. For Gallifrey. _For them. _

_Just… Smile._

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**A/N: Hey. First fic on FF, and of course, it's a lovely load of 10 angst. What else, right? XD So I know this isn't really as good as it should be, so critique, point out any errors and... stuff. I am absolutely horrible at author's notes. I took a few "artistic liberties", as you can see. Some non-canon stuff, like the Doctor being eternal. Never-ending set of regenerations, or at least he doesn't know when they'll stop. I also made him a bit more angsty than the original 10, but this is angst, right? **

**Of course, if you _love _this fic, it would be absolutely _fantastic_ if you could leave a BEAUUUUTIFUL review here. Virtual cookies for anyone who actually takes the time to read my crap. I LOVE YOU! **

**Now go read something else as I sit here and wallow in my feels. (I CAN'T ANYMORE!)**


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